November 23, 2004

Drive Smarter Stupid!

I was driving to work which happens to be in the state of Kentucky, motto: "Rednecks? We got em by the dozens.", and throughout the city of Louisville(pronounced: Loo Uhh vul) there are these signs that say, and I quote, "Drive Smart Kentucky!"
Now, I don't want to say that this post is aimed at any one specific group of Kentuckians or other associated southern Indiana residents. Okay, I am. By the way, if you live in Clarksville, Jeffersonville, or New Albany and the surrounding suburban areas, you have to face it, you ARE truly Kentuckians.
I used to be a Kentuckian. I was born there in downtown Louisville. I spent the first eleven years of my life in a suburb known as "lively" Shively, which was about as lively as fresh road kill.
I then moved into what is known as the "Kentuckiana" area which meant, you guessed it! I was still a Kentuckian! Later in life I moved far enough away that i am now known as a "Hoosier."
Apparently a "Hoosier" is defined as: A simple bastard that is still a whole lot smarter than most Kentuckians.

Sorry, I got off on a little rant there, and I'm sure that if you are a kentuckian reading this, you are probably amongst my family and friends , and therefore this does not apply to you.

I don't know where the majority of the people I dodge on a daily basis on my way to work get their driving instruction, but the tests you have to pass to get your drivers license must be way too simple.
I imagine that the first question is:"What is your name?"
If you get that one right you've already scored fifty percent
The next questions are as follows:
2. If the traffic light is red you should:
a. Go
b. Stop
c. Creep through the intersection with caution
d. Call someone on your cell phone and ask what to do
e. Any of the above

3. If you are on an interstate highway and wish to change lanes you must:
a. Signal that you want to change lanes
b. Swerve violently into the lane you want to be in
c. Slow down so that all the traffic Excepting those behind you become a giant wall of metal so that it is hopeless to change lanes
d. Call someone on your cell phone to make sure it is ok to change lanes.
e. Any of the above

4. When making a RIGHT turn into a driveway or parking lot, do you:
a. Come to a complete stop before turning
b. Swerve into the left lane to make a wider turn
c. Make the turn without judging the distance you are from the car you must go past to get into your drive or parking lot
d. Call someone on your cell phone to ask if its ok to turn here.
e. Any of the above

If the answer to all of these is "e" then you get your license. That has to be the reason I see so many of these idiots during my drive time. The other morning I thought I was being followed by a drunk driver, but when we were stopped at the light, i looked in my rearview mirror and saw a woman in a HUMONGUS suv putting on her mascara making that "o" shape with her mouth while doing so. When the light turned green again she continued driving forward. And was STILL PUTTING ON HER MAKEUP!! I let her pass me when we got back on the interstate and did you know??? She was a kentuckian. Who'da guessed.

This morning I got stuck behind a Louisville Metro Police Department K9 unit. I don't ever disparage the boys in blue, they are risking their necks to keep us all safe, but their bosses and "thinking" people havent a clue as to how to name a web address that won't get made fun of.

The web address for the Louisville Metro Police Department is:
Let me spell that out for you: L M P D K Y
Fill in the blanks now: LiMP DicKeY
that's the kind of web address the pharmaceutical companies need to have for men too shy to ask about Viagra™ or Levitra™ or Cialis™ should have. Not the police department for cryin out loud.


At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now how about if I moved here from Evansville and live in New Albany because I have to work on the far east side of Looeyville and still want to remain a hoosier??? Does that make me OK?

At 9:15 PM, Blogger grumbleghoul said...

Yep, You're OK.
in the kentuckian vernacular: "you is still a hoosyer"
stick around much longer tho, you'll be a dreaded kentuckian


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